What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 23:58
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do men love to stink/being smelly?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Can you show pictures of your penis, big or small?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She found it foreign!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What sexual experience did you have at a highway rest area?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
While emptying a house, have you ever seen something in it that blew your mind?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She wouldn,t have been !
Why is my ex trying to provoke an argument with me?
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was seconnd youngest,
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We all went to grammer schools
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Who then, do I blame.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
Ive learnt so much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I will be 64.
But, we were locked up after school.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is soul school!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Comes on , in middle age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
All the time i was locked up.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So, i spoilt her more .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!